Touched by Evil

In the 1999 presidential debates, Governor Bush was asked to identify his most influential philosopher. He replied, "Jesus Christ, because he touched my heart." Yikes, and not because Jesus was not a philosopher.

Before this happened, he was a drunk. I believe he was a fun drunk. He was the dopey friend that you took to parties because after three beers he would be in the front yard trying to light his farts and only succeeding after singing off all his pubic hair. That guy is fun!

And then...<dun, dun, dun!>...Jesus touched his heart.

Now, instead of happy and pickled, it is a hard, cold, piece of igneous detritus.

Now, wait a minute. I am not all that bad. You don't need all those human-endorsed freedoms. You can't even use them all at the same time. The only freedom that you need is to worship Jesus. I am pleased with my international campaign to bring others to Christ by using my automatic baptism process. America is having some problems so more people need to be prayin'. That's why we have this new system of keeping tabs on people so that they can be encouraged to pray. If we can hear what they are saying on their phones and in their email, then we can correct them when they get their prayers wrong. I care about America. It is a beautiful and historic land. The city of New Orelans was hit hard by one of God's little warning signs. Fortunately, the beautiful and historic part of the city is okay now, thanks to me and Brownie. Jesus loves America, but only the parts that are nice to walk around. That is why we have to use the Alaskan Wilderness to provide us with oil to make electricity to light our churches and power our National Prayer Monitoring service. To those who are less fortunate in our society, take heart in the comfort of Jesus and even your family. And if you are going hungry, your dead babies are delicious and nutritious. Babies are pure souls so if you eat them, they go to Heaven. And they are a renewable resource so they are good for the environment. Science and knowledge are overrated. Jesus never spoke about expanding the pool of human knowledge. He never spoke about going to the moon, or human cloning, or walking upright, or said that the Earth is round, so they must not be true. He oughta know. He's Jesus. Remember, Jesus loves you and he wants me to help you know that he loves you...by any means necessary.

So, thank you, Jesus, for changing my heart.

- Georgie


What is it about religious figures touching people? Keep your f-ing hands to yourself, Jebus.