A plea to the religious

The Earth needs your help. There is a startling theory that the core of our planet, our shared ship in the darkness, may be cooling down. It is also believed that this phenomenon happened to the planet Mars. We all like the Earth so here is a plan to help everyone.

As we all know from the masterwork of Geophysics and Earth Sciences, the bibble, the Xian Underworld of Hell is located within the Earth itself (one more reason for that Denier on The View to feel stupid about a flat earth). Obviously, there are not enough souls being tormented to keep the core warm. I have spoken with Satan and the other make-believe Overlords who run their respective Underworlds for all the respective religions and we all agree: please stop proselytizing. If you are not out there saving people for your religion, then more people will wind up in the Underworld and our toes and hooves can be nice and toasty again. So, please, keep your your yap shut and your faith a secret. Take it with you to your grave and save yourself. Once our scientists confirm that the core is healthy again, we will let you know so that you can start sharing again. We promise.