Jesus Christ Constipated

Lyrics by Tim Corn
Lyrics Copyright (C) 2009, Cough-Cough Media Group

The Musical achievement of humanity: Jesus Christ Constipated.

Powerful songs of a man's need for salvation.


What's that Noise?
What's that noise, tell me that ain't happenin'!
What's that smell, tell me that ain't happenin'!
What's that noise, tell me that ain't happenin'!
What's that smell, tell me that ain't happenin'!
Will you keep it down?
I am trying to take a shit here!

Everything's Alright
Try not to push too hard,
don't blow out your anus
<indistinct>
You know that everything's all right,
yes, it will be fine.
If you strain you'll get hemorrhoids.
Close your eyes, close your eyes,
just relax and loosen your bowels.


I Don't Know How To Help Him
I Don't Know How To Help Him.
I've tried all the herbal remedies.
He's still backed up like rush hour.

Trial before Pilate
One! (Jesus pushes and grunts)
Two! (Jesus pushes and grunts)
Three! (Jesus pushes and grunts)
Four! (Jesus pushes and grunts)

This Jesus must Pass
Because, because, because he ate cheese,
If anything passes it'll feel like a tree!
Because, because, because he ate,
'cause he ate, 'cause he ate...cheese.

Taber-Chuckles: 2009-02-26

What a fitting metaphor: the sleeping xian as an infant. They sure are.

Who doesn't like rocking a cradle? You see that sleeping face and you just want to shake the crap out of it. Make that infant bounce all over the place, maybe wedge the skull between the bars. Then laugh as the little baby cries.

Why are xians asleep all the time? It would be nice if they woke up for a second and contributed to the world. The strength of their devotion to something from a dream, applied to real problems in the world could accomplish so much. Of course, the last time they applied themselves, they tortured people across the world for not liking the Prince of Peace. Maybe having them sleep is not such a bad idea. It definitely makes it easier to sneak up on them and club them like a baby seal. Good times.

Granted, this sign has only so many slots for letters, but one could just as easily interpret it as Satan is rocking the cradle in an affectionate way. After all, Satan truly loves Mankind. He did his best to improve our lot and free us from an abusive parent whose first words to its children was "DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

Let's take another tack. Let us ignore that knowledge aspect and focus on the other: obedience. What you see in the allegory of the chapter of Genesis is a test of obedience. It assumes, however, that obedience is good. Obedience is only good for children. Adults, however, can capitulate. You yield some degree of individuality for the sake of a functioning society. However, those first words from the sky daddy are don't wander off and don't touch that. Parents still do that today. Out of fear of germs - a creation of the daddy, yes? - anything Baby Moron tries to play with is swatted away. No wonder kids today are damn-near worthless.

For humans, advancements are not made by people who toes the line, who capitulate completely, who grovel in fealty. Advancement is made by someone who stands up for itself and says Screw you! I'm doing this! It makes a difference for knowledge and culture and society. That benefits everyone, unlike religion, which only offers benefits a single individual: the believer.

I just become angry as I have this dialog in my head. What a waste.

Pat Condell: Freedom go to hell

Here in America, at least locally, we do not have quite the problem that Europe does. That said, we are in the early stages of having this problem with insane Fundamentalists. Different cloak, same problem. This medieval thinking must end.

Happy Birthday, Chuck!

Two hundred years ago today, Chuck was born. Today, we acknowledge his humanity.

As the coordinating web site says, this day:

...expresses gratitude for the enormous benefits that scientific knowledge, acquired through human curiosity and ingenuity, has contributed to the advancement of humanity.

        http://www.darwinday.org/

So, happy birthday, Charles Darwin. Some of us are happy to stand in the light of inquiry with you. Those who spurn you as a poster boy will, as your theory beautifully explains, go the way of the dodo. That glorious day cannot come soon enough.

Taber-Chuckles: Jan 28, 2009

I definitely need to drive by this place more often. I just happened to go by one morning because I was running late and here was this beauty. I think I gritted my teeth when it click in my head what it said.

In one sentence is the command and the excuse. I can understand the clergy expressing this thought. They better...it's their job. If they don't think this then they need to quit.

To individuals, this surely must rub some of them the wrong way. Don't think. Yield to gawd. It will reward your submission with...an uninspiring life. I suppose if you approach it from a point of thinking that you as an individual is nothing, worthless and empty without a continuous serving of mystical spaghetti, it makes a little sense. You are nothing. You have nothing. Subjugate your remaining flecks of will to some The Pasta and as a reward, you will enjoy the same semi-random events that affect everyone around you. It's magic!

Is His Noodleness really giving his best? I suppose those parents who willfully let their teenage daughter die from easily treated diabetes or another set of parents also mentioned in the same article who let their fifteen-month-old die from a blood disease think that gawd's will was done. They prayed and I am sure they prayed their asses off so that their children would die and the lord provided.

Is gawd's will gawd's best? I suspect that you can find millions of people throughout this perpetual dark ages who would agree with that but their faith prevents them from making such a statement. Instead, they justify their disappointment with pathetic expressions like "It was gawd's will."

I think what bugs me so much about it is its similarity to the Nanny State. No one wants a Nanny State, except for freeloaders. Yet this is what the "Non-thought of the Day" is expressing. Leave it to me. I'll take care of you. Do these people not have a sense of pride in themselves? Do they not think themselves capable of doing anything significant? I guess not. It's the crux of the most contemptible phrase these people mutter: The Lord will provide. No. Your lord will provide you with only one thing: death. Everything else is up to you.


Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death. - Albert Einstein

I will agree that the sad individuals who yield their will to a cloud will not do so for every question in their lives. However, that is not the point. It is egregious that they do so at all in the first place. They threw away the greatest and most powerful part of their humanity: the ability to grow beyond what they are. The church does not like that because you are with the boogieman made of you; that should be good enough. It makes me weep to think of the wasted potential of mankind on a singular, selfish desire.

I leave you with a few more thoughts from Albert Einstein, which I feel apply nicely:

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.